22 Jan 2012
by jillinthebox90
in Home, No Expectations
Tags: 2012, Apathy, Awareness, Black, Blogging, Devil #win, Faith, Hypocrisy, Ignorance is not always blissful, Individuality, Life in a New Land, Mera Sixty-Deka Duith, Pressure, Soul Searching, Trying Times
The title remains blank. Clearly we all don’t start by naming things. It might work for some people, if not all.
Possibly as a result of watching too many serials, – yes besides the fact of transforming to a bed-potato, since “couch” doesn’t seem to work in my context, – it gets you thinking about: how much of time you waste, how you could be productive otherwise, why the director made him stand that way while saying those lines to her, why does the storyline seem familiar and to an extent applicable to your own?
A good friend was telling me lately of the story of the idiot box. How information is easily available and how we make even less of an effort in extracting it. We are indeed in the “Age of the Stupid”.
I say I can’t write any more because my muse – Heaven forbid the existence of any months before – has found its way out of my, uhm soul? Whatever I do write now, or blog, since that has become synonymous to writing, is pathetic. But then, it’s not as though good writing for equivalent to my writing anyway.
I hardly read. My writing is horrendous. I’m worried about how fucked up the world is that I refuse accept my own fucked up life.
A title finds it self to the post.
I assume that I find my work-life balance.
We all live in our own little assumptions, interpretations and complexities. No one really gives a rat’s bottom about an awful post, an equally awful blog and a fucked up title. Nope, no one really cares.
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77.594376
17 Jan 2012
by jillinthebox90
in Home, No Expectations
Tags: 2012, Apathy, Awareness, Black, Blogging, Faith, First-timers, Individuality, Life in a New Land, Planner, Pressure, Theatre, Yindiar, Youth
I don’t know what else to call it. I know for sure that it doesn’t reach either extreme of the afore mentioned emotions but it reaches near there all right.
It is one that is defined by unwanted telephone calls, verbal lashings – silently endured and responded to from one end – heights of disrespect from either end, but still it survives.
I wonder if there is a mutual ground that we both stand on. We work for the same cause I agree. The other’s motives maybe slightly different from mine. Clearly, it has to be. However, it is not as though we even have a common enemy that we are up against.
The binary of the two is obvious. One is undoubtedly more authoritative than the other. Yet, the other knows that the relationship has to co-exist.
What I do not understand further is that we do have our moments of mirth, sometimes perhaps unknown to others.
I do acknowledge that God is great. I also do acknowledge that sometimes, some things were not meant for our understanding.
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16 Jan 2012
by jillinthebox90
in Home, No Expectations
Tags: 2012, Apathy, Black, Blogging, Developing Countries, Devil #win, Environment, Faith, Hypocrisy, Ignorance is not always blissful, Life in a New Land, Pressure, Soul Searching, Sri Lanka, Trying Times, Yindiar, Youth
I used to be an environmentalist. Then I came to India.
With all due respect to Indians, this is not me being my usual racist ways but I am truly and deeply concerned. The country has astounding rates of poverty – no I do not know the figures but I know it is bad – it is overpopulated – contradict me, but when there isn’t room to budge in the street, yes it is crowded – and no one is doing anything about it.
The place where I live: a reputed girls hostel in an even more reputed educational institution. I was surprised at how much of food – purchased from outside – was wasted, how many lights were left on, taps unclosed but then my bewilderment was nothing in comparison to what it was upon the dawn of Christmas. While gaudy may perhaps be the ideal term to describe the decorations, the number of lights used – not even CFL mind you – were just, so many. To my utter amazement, while most electricity was consumed by these ugly – I know that everything is beautiful in its own way, but even the term grotesque beauty would not suffice to describe the pathetic state of the driveway.
That’s when it dawned on me. Please note that my observations are entirely objective.
The West maybe is not so keen on letting the East come to power because they wouldn’t want consumers of a similar nature in this world. On the contrary, like most in the East, I do agree that the West would not want to share their resources with the rest of the world. Bah. There goes our Economics lesson on the equal distribution of resources flushed down the toilet.
But then again, I cannot help but blame natural human tendencies. The more we earn and the more our purchasing power increases, the more we buy. We make ends meet and even surpass it, at times.
I agree that God did not create us perfect so that we could find our purpose in this world. Just today I was justifying man’s flaws and the search for purpose. But what happens when all our flaws submerge to the same big fat ugly truth?
I used to be an environmentalist. Then I grew up. I manage my expenses less and I’m also ashamed of myself when compared to what, my philosophies once were. India only opened my eyes to the reality I was denying.
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05 Oct 2011
by jillinthebox90
in Home, No Expectations
Tags: 2011, Awareness, Blogging, Faith, First-timers, Home&Co., Individuality, Life in a New Land, Mera Sixty-Deka Duith, Pink!, Trying Times, Yindiar, Youth
What made me blog, in such a close-knit interval, especially when exams are literally, “round the corner”? I don’t know. Perhaps, it is like buying shoes for me, an incentive. An incentive to tell myself that I can write and do the things I normally do in the midst of exams and all that jazz.
Ever since India, I’ve become accustomed to spending time with myself. This is neither meant to denote peculiarity nor perverseness. Instead, I look at it in the light of self-discovery and acceptance.
Self-discovery. I would be twenty-one in a few months. While I have been cribbing to all who would hear me out about growing old, it’s fascinating because, at times I laugh to myself when walking down S.G. Palya and think, ‘who knew I’d get this far?’ Looking back, I’m amazed at how soon the years flew by. Looking back, I remember when I wrote my first poem. Looking back, I count the number of career choices that I lay in front of me. Irony is that, none of the choices seem to appeal to me today.
Acceptance; I think begins with appreciation. I have begun to appreciate more, the members of my family, the new members in my family and most importantly God. I also have learnt that while it is only Facebook that gives me some 600 friends, life gives me a few friends who are good, reliable and beautiful no matter how far away they physically may be. I have also learnt that cribbing about being in India would not really get me anywhere. I asked to be here, I made the choice of coming here and therefore, I am indeed responsible for it.
Perhaps due to an overdose of psychology and studying the workings of the mind of a twenty-one year old, I have learnt that this also a period of crossroads in the context of choices whether it be career, relationships and so on. In that light, I also see that while God has indeed written and planned as to how things should work, He also gives us the choice of making the right or wrong decisions.
My tea tastes good and the post seems relatively all right. Let’s hit the books now.
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02 Oct 2011
by jillinthebox90
in Home, No Expectations
Tags: 2011, All Smiles, Blissfully Beautiful, Blogging, Faith, Islam, Mera Sixty-Deka Duith, Pink!, Rejuvenation of the Renaissance, Youth
It’s rare. Those days that make you feel as though there is absolutely no care in the world – in a good way – and feel as though, yes I’m going to say it, “Top of the world!” These days are ones that are of absolute happiness.
My Literature teacher told me that happiness is brought about by the awareness of the consequences of that particular circumstance – if that made sense to anyone who is reading 
Not that all is going brilliantly for me: I have my exams in a week, the Production is well, – those of you know the story I needn’t say more – I am losing weight at an unfathomable rate, I leave to Goa in twenty-days and Dubai in a few months and I love my family and my best friends too much and the list goes on.
However, it all comes down to the fact that regardless of me knowing that all this is happening, both good and bad, I am still thankful to God – regardless of as to where my faith stands as at now – for what He has given me thus far and for all that He continues to bless me with.
So while the day lasts, it’s time to work – if you feel like it – listen to Katy Perry, dance till your ass refuses to move no more and be grateful for everything and everyone around you.
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04 Sep 2011
by jillinthebox90
in Home, No Expectations
Tags: 2011, Black, Blogging, Developing Countries, Faith, Ignorance is not always blissful, Individuality, Journalism, Life in a New Land, Miserable, Planner, Pressure, Sri Lanka, Trying Times, Work, Yindiar, Youth
Probably as a result of all the developmental psychology, I tend to apply the theories to my life and see, if I too have been a part of all these teachings while growing up. I suppose I have, and I don’t know which came first – the teachings and its application or a genuine sense of confusion – but my instinct tells me that at present it is Erikson’s Identity vs. Identity Confusion that has come in to play with my life now. Yes, I know that it is for adolescents, but as the lecturer said, the latter part of one stage tends to overlap with its proceeding stage. Yes, let’s go save my ass.
As a child of four years I wanted to become the President. CBK was my role model then and as purple was her favourite colour, it was mine too – the purple three wheelers I insisted to go in! Then came the eras of the doctor, mechanical engineer, the pilot – which hung around for a LONG time -, psychologist, then after A/Ls I started working as a journalist. When I left to India last May, I knew two things: I liked to write, or rather I enjoyed writing and I like all the subjects I was going to study.
Now however, a year a little few months after studying I have realised a few more things: I still like all my subjects; I have to do honours in either psychology or literature, if not it would be problematic during post-graduation; communication, journalism and media in particular cannot be taught – the best of journalists (at least the ones I know whom I consider to be the best) comes with aeons of experience (think that applies to most professions in Sri Lanka); I am inclining towards literature, though I have no idea what I would want to do after.
One of the biggest problems I faced when I went back home was the question of, ‘What would you do after your degree?’ Clearly I don’t want to do Masters immediately. I wouldn’t mind, provided it is during the evening or weekend and I could work simultaneously. I know I want to stay in Sri Lanka, but yes there is that slight craving for London (I have no idea where that came from). I don’t mind teaching, for a while but no, not a life long career. Research? Lots of issues to deal with there.
Why couldn’t times be like that of our parents? When opportunities were limited and we didn’t have to dwell long and hard on our futures. Yes, I know I’m being lazy and irresponsible now. Everyone would be a doctor, or an engineer or wait, that is my Indian mentality coming in to play now.
Or why couldn’t we just stick to the ambitions or career choices we opted for while children? Why can’t I be the next President. Yes, you may roll your eyes.
When I was fifteen, I wanted two things in life before I turned nineteen: ten piercings and at least one published book of all that poetry. I would turn twenty-one this December and I have seven piercings and all that poetry locked away.
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28 Aug 2011
by jillinthebox90
in Home, No Expectations
Tags: 2011, Faith, Islam, Mera Sixty-Deka Duith, Miserable, Trying Times
Isn’t it amazing how one moment everything seems to have fallen into place, much to your amazement I must add, especially after a few horrid events that preceded. But then, that very moment flashes before your eyes and whoosh! – it’s as though it never existed.
I have been asked or rather I have listened to many people chant the usual, ‘Oh why me? Why does it always happen to me?’ At times this question is blatantly rhetorical that you can’t help but smirk or look disgusted. But most of the time, you roll your eyes and plainly say, ‘That’s just the way things happen, you can’t always have what you want…’ And so the response rant goes on. As a girl, I think it is expected that a comforting, consoling mask is worn but then again, as a girl, I honestly don’t see the point in doing so and conforming to stereotypes. Personally, I feel that the best method of consoling someone is to just sit quietly next to them for as long as it takes.
However, there are times when merely sitting next to other person would not do the trick. This at times feels redundant, inefficient – tried and tested especially when the tragedy befalls on you and suddenly, you wonder, ‘What went wrong where?’ The retracing of steps begin and you think of the slightest possibilities of as to when things may have gone wrong, the wire that was not connected that eventually led to the inconvenience you are in now.
I believe in God and I know that all of what befalls on us, both good and bad are His doings. I am thankful to Him for every opportunity and person He brings forth to my life. Thus, it is only rightful that I accept His work, unquestioningly, despite the event not making sense to me now. It is His plan and at times, it is beyond our comprehension. Praise be to God.
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77.594376
07 Aug 2011
by jillinthebox90
in Home, No Expectations
Tags: 2011, Awareness, Black, Blogging, Faith, First-timers, Ignorance is not always blissful, Individuality, Islam, Mera Sixty-Deka Duith, Theatre, Youth
A more apt title would have been a something to the effect of Newton’s third law but oh well, ever since renewed Theatre days, we have grown accustomed giving titles prior to content 
Twitter and later news articles tell me that a part or most of the SEALs who were part of the Osama Bin Laden killing tribe have died. Not that killing Bin Laden was wrong, or right; being a mere blogger there is only so much revolution that my opinion would make in the sphere of things. Belonging to a country that has been constantly being known for its human rights violations, my statement stands clear.
Leaving these otters or seals or whatever they are called out, the effect shows a lasting impression in all most everything we do. It’s something that needn’t be acknowledged as it happens almost unconsciously.
Since we were kids we were taught the fundamentals of right and wrong; good and bad. This vacation, I remember Akki telling our new cousins about the “Apayata yana potha” (The book on going to Hell). This was brought up when the girls refused to have their dinner and then took to being naughty. I vividly remember laughing then, however looking back on it now I see how much truth there is to it.
Being the month of Ramazan, we all scramble to our prayers; some with the Sunnat prayers and the others like me we Tharaweeh and very shamefully admitting, the foregoing of the mandatory prayers. Why do we all do this? Besides the fact of it being Ramazan we know that all things in this world are temporary. Our real journey begins only in the hereafter. In this world, we hope for God to be with us guiding us in the right path, the “right” usually being a substitute for “good”.
Thus it’s obvious that we try to do as much good as we can in our lives. A few years ago a minister crashed in to a tree with his envoy while listening to bana (something to the effect of Buddhist teachings). We all want to do good, but we all know who ministers are. Then again, I maybe generalising, I don’t know. But as always perceptions are built on what is seen around us, most of the time.
It doesn’t always have to be death, even the simplest things in life such as doing something on when required, being there for someone and the list adds on. Most of the time while things may not always turn out to be the way one expected to, you cannot help but smile when it does.
Here’s to all the good times in life, the bad ones, the ones dominated by overreacting hormones and to individuals who are en route to discovering themselves. While doing the “right” thing may not entirely always look that good on you, it would, someday.
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